by Brenton Crozier
Valentine’s Day and Black History Month often overshadow the fact that February is Heart Health Month, so this writer will offer no allusions to a healthy heart in the context of relationships, broken hearts, romance or any of the like. This is strictly anatomical research- all about your all-important pumper.
What’s good for your heart? Well, that’s obvious and rather boring. Regular exercise, plenty of sleep and a healthy diet consisting of a lot of fruits and vegetables are the norm, but let’s steer this conversation in a negative direction. Let’s talk about the things that are supposedly “bad for your heart.”
Why is it that the new “this will kill you” thing is almost always a product of a German study? They’re so bleak! Apparently, Deita and Company have concluded that traffic causes stress. Stop. Really? That blows my mind. Danke very much, because based on the white knuckled fists, a multitude of middle fingers and a symphony of horns that we hear on our ride to work every day, we weren’t really sure. So, stay out of traffic and check one off for the ol’ ticker.
We can thank the over-reaching do-gooders at Duke for this one. Apparently, when they aren’t planning a good party with the lacrosse team, they’re finding something that I adore and telling me I shouldn’t have it. So caffeine is bad for the heart. It’s not shaping up well for me- I sit in traffic every morning and rush to the coffeemaker upon arriving to work. Then I usually complain for ten minutes about how nobody in the office can make a decent pot of coffee.
Don’t think I haven’t been pitched the alternatives either. The resident vegetarian and vocal health food advocate is constantly pushing herbal tea on me. Now she has science to prove her point? C’mon Duke! All we want is to watch your great basketball team.
Oh, boy…they’re really doing it. They are actually calling out the Super Bowl. Now I can’t even watch football? What does that even leave?
Wouldn’t you know it, the Germans are planning another shot at world domination. What’s their plan? Convincing us to stay at home and avoid traffic, stop drinking coffee and turn off the stressful sporting events? Ha! You’re not stopping this patriot from doing the things he loves; I’m keeping an eye on you, Gerhard. Dr. Steinbeck stated that the “Super Bowl could pose a cardiac hazard.” He suggests getting a good night’s sleep, avoiding delicious, fatty meals, no raucous cheering, a two-drink maximum and, if there is a bad call, count to ten and relax, being sure “not to get mad at the refs.”
So, let me get this straight: don’t do anything fun and your heart will be just fine? Perhaps we should discuss our feelings, perhaps crochet a little or maybe even give a buddy a back rub. Listen Helmut, keep your dirty, scientific, un-American lies on your own side of the ocean! I swear, if I read something bad about excess drinking…
So what’s good for your heart? They say laughter, but these medicine men would probably tell you that it should only be laughter at something lame, nothing that pokes fun at anyone else because of things beyond their control. They will also tell you garlic is good for your heart, but do you think you can eat that garlic if it is flavoring a rack of juicy ribs or pizza? Don’t even think about it Captain No-More-Fun.
If it is really important to you, The American Heart Association (http://www.americanheart.org/) is German-free and full of good information. WebMD (http://www.webmd.com/heart/) also has some good information on the subject, but I can’t attest to whether they are German-free or not, so proceed cautiously.
Article Published in the 2-21-08 Issue of EU Jacksonville
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