by erin thursby scopes1925@msn.com
Once upon a time, the rules of etiquette were clear when it came to dating, but these days guys seem to be at sea as to what is and isn’t acceptable. It’s important to remember that ultimately etiquette is there to keep situations running smoothly. Etiquette is supposed to ensure that everyone feels comfortable. Since the rules are less set than they used to be, a guy (or girl) should be checking to see if what they naturally do makes the other party uncomfortable.
Despite the many grey areas in the dating world, here are a few basics you’ll want to keep in mind, especially on early dates:
This may seem like a basic thing, but you’d be surprised how many people keep their cell phone on or constantly text their friends.
Avoid topics like ex-boyfriends or girlfriends.
If a lady doesn’t like this, she can say so, gently.
A lady will gauge how much you care about her based on the effort and planning you put in. It doesn’t take much, but the last thing you want to say to her on Valentine’s Day is “where do you want to eat?”
Don’t speak with food in your mouth. Don’t eat loudly. Avoid ordering very messy or involved foods on early dates (lobster, spaghetti).
A master of etiquette would never embarrass another person by calling them out for not following the rules. Remember the number one rule of etiquette: every action and word that you speak should be designed to make the other person feel at ease.
Money, politics, religion and sex are said to be topics of conversation to be avoided in polite company. That’s only because these topics have the potential to make others feel uncomfortable and because people can be passionate about these subjects.
Does that mean you should never speak about these subjects? No. All of these topics can be very important to people when choosing a mate. It just means that you probably should save these topics for a second date. However, if you’re really passionate and opinionated about politics or religion, it might be best to get that out in the open. If it’s really vital to you that you date a Democrat, by all means, bring it up. But control yourself and steer clear of a heated debate over dinner. The same applies to religion. Don’t try to save her soul on the first date. As to the topic of sex, wait until you are both comfortable enough with the subject to broach it without being awkward (probably not on the first date).
Who pays? Well, that depends on a lot of factors, but it isn’t something you want to bring up on a first date. Unless you each ordered separately at the coffee counter, the man will want to pay. Date two is when you want to start to work out these sorts of details, but it’s crass to bring up on a first date.
Factors that can effect who pays for what are: who has a better income level, how the lady feels about splitting the bill, and who invited whom out. Asking about income-level early in the dating process can feel awkward. It’s something you’ll come to learn later on.
Male or female, if you’ve been paying, by about the 4th date you can let the other party know if things are getting too expensive for you. Ladies, early on you should at least reach for the check. If he wants to pay, that’s fine, but you should show that you’re willing to put in the effort.
On special occasions, a man should do his level best to pay, especially if he’s determining where and when you’ll be celebrating. If it’s his decision, he can budget and plan for the expense.
A man who quibbles about who owes whom will be dropped by most women. Once the female community has perceived you as cheap or penny pinching, you’re pretty much sunk. Splitting a bill is fine, but taking too long to decide how much of the tip you’re paying down to the penny is not a good idea.
Any man or woman who talks too much about money during the first few months of a relationship is committing an etiquette faux pax. It doesn’t matter if you’re talking about how tight things are, how rich you are, or how fiscally responsible you are, it’s just not an acceptable topic of conversation.
Ordering for a lady is generally considered poor etiquette these days, but it is possible, provided you get her input. If you know something is really great on the menu, discuss it with her. When she indicates what she wants, you can order that for her when the waiter comes around. There’s no guarantee that this won’t offend her, so preface it with, “This place has really great sea bass, do you mind if I order for you?” By no means should you ever force her to order something she doesn’t want.
You can also order for a lady if you’ve been dating for quite a while or if you know her tastes very well. After a long day of decision making at work, sometimes it’s nice to have everything decided and taken care of for you. This can work both ways. A lady can order for her man if she knows what he likes and he’s amenable to her taking over.
Article Published in the 2-14-08 Issue of EU Jacksonville
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